Worst Birds Ever

I made a pledge to myself two years ago that I’d one day post something on my blog about the birds that used to crap all over my deck when I lived on the lake in Mission Viejo. Was transferring photos off the laptop today and came across the cretins:

So infuriatingly not dead.

  • They were always relieving themselves on my deck — the railing and floor.
  • Sometimes they would vomit carcasses onto my deck. I found an entire dead crab there once.
  • My brilliant neighbors fed them. At first they didn’t know what to feed them, so they called an ornithologist to get advice. He advised raw meat. Sometimes I found raw meat on my deck.
  • I taped nails on top of my deck railing to keep them from standing there, but they just sort of stood around the nails.
  • They have orange eyes and their feathers are greasy.

Coincidentally, I had this conversation with some random woman while on Kauai and visiting the arboretum:

Woman: Did you see those birds?

Me: Yes. I got a bunch of them at my house at home and I hate them.

Woman: Well I think it would be neat to live somewhere that has herons. Where do you live?

Me: California — Mission Viejo. You?

Woman: Uh — Lake Forest.

True story. (Lake Forest and Mission Viejo border each other icydk.)


(They’re “black-crowned night herons”. May they soon go extinct.)