Why I Watched: Because Netflix said that users like me rated it 3 1/4 stars. Which is really high for users like me. (I gave it 3.)

Biggest Question: Why is it so hard for lower-budget movies to maintain consistent facial hair length from scene to scene? Just put the trimmer on 6 and use it every morning before shooting. Man.

Second Biggest Question: How can any town in Denmark be *that* remote? The whole country is the size of my fist, ergo people shouldn’t be able to hide anything from anyone there.

If the movie were a restaurant, which restaurant would it be?: A one-off shack in a far away place that you visited once and where you really liked the one thing that you tried there, but they only serve that dish on Wednesdays.

Best Part: The interior sets made Denmark look like East Germany or worse (meaning better).

Worst Part: Really inconsistent morals that took center stage frequently even though they sort of didn’t amount to anything functional. Or maybe I just don’t “get” Denmark.

Bearable or Unbearable: Oddly bearable.

And also: Just because the town bully tries to engage you in a drinking contest, that doesn’t mean you have to go along with it.

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1. Shawshank Redemption – Loved it; in my personal top 10. Speaks to the idea of hope without feeling cloying; the characters deserve the ends they get.
2. The Godfather – I just don’t care about gangsters. That said, it’s a very compelling, interesting movie and I have a hard time arguing with its belovedness.
3. The Godfather II – Ibid.
4. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly – I liked it. It’s not my fourth-favorite movie or anything and the Italian extras trying to play civil war soldiers are, IMHO, unintentionally funny. But I liked it a lot. Eli Wallach ftw.
5. Pulp Fiction – A lot of fun and violence. I should probably watch it again and see if there’s anything more to it than that, but, you know, fun and violence are good either way.
6. Schindler’s List – Overrated, under-interesting. Any PBS or History Channel program on the holocaust is more moving (if perhaps only due to lack of editorial). Little plot, no surprise, and the black-and-white is, I think, just an attempt to make the masses think they’ve watched and comprehended something “arty”. Life Is Beautiful was way better, frex. It had a plot and some emotional resonance.
7. Inception – Haven’t seen.
8. 12 Angry Men – Kind of cool. It’s sort of a small movie, but it’s a good lesson about how a group of people who are foolish in the first place can easily get brow-beaten by Henry Fonda. Wait — that *was* the message, right?
9. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Kind of boring. Not much happened. Didn’t see any reason to care about any of the characters. Now what?
10. The Dark Knight – There was a fantastic 90-minute brainless action movie in here just trying to get out. Alas. [My earlier review.]
11. The Empire Strikes Back – Given its iconic status and that I loved it as an eight-year-old, calling it “still watchable” should probably serve as high praise.
12. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King – Awful on many, many levels. In Peter Jackson’s defense, most of the flaws came from the source material. Why didn’t the eagles come at the *start* of the journey? How come it hadn’t occurred to anyone any earlier that a bunch of ghosts owed Aragorn a favor? Why were the main characters so blasé about everybody in their army dying such that they were making jokes about how many bad guys they’d killed? Who thought it was a good idea to include a scene where a hobbit sings while some dude eats tomatoes with his mouth open? How come Gandalf could only see the future in ways that didn’t matter? Why were there eight different endings, none of which were the right one? Man. As Terry Brown once said, this was the first movie that won Best Picture based on quantity of work rather than quality.
13. Seven Samurai – Haven’t seen.
14. Star Wars (A New Hope) – Wooden characters, stilted dialogue, loved it when I was five years old, but now it’s unwatchable. Yeah, I know, I’m worse than Hitler.
15. Fight Club – Haven’t seen.
16. Goodfellas – Haven’t seen.
17. Casablanca – It’s okay. In 2008 I typed: Some great one-liners, but the plot’s unclear. Is Rick the main character? What’s he trying to achieve? Should I be happy at how it ends? I probably would have liked it better if I hadn’t been told it was the third greatest movie ever. I probably would have.
18. City of God – This is my cousin’s former favorite movie. It was pretty good, although it sort of felt like every movie I’ve seen about violence in poor neighborhoods.
19. Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring – I still kind of like this one. There’s so much potential in here. The scary parts are actually kind of scary. The characters are dynamic. Their actions seem to matter. It’s a beautiful movie on the screen and in 5.1 surround and it’s nice how it doesn’t insult you at every turn.
20. Once Upon a Time in the West – A little long and the music was kind of cheesy, but there are some really beautifully put-together scenes in here (e.g., the opening) and I like it enough to own it.
21. Rear Window – Every Hitchcock movie is sort of the same to me. Fun to watch the first time, not much reason to go back to it.
22. Raiders of the Lost Ark – Some time between 1981 and 2006 this movie became unwatchable for me. Sad.
23. The Matrix – Cool concept. Characters and story were flat, but the concept — the *concept*!
24. Psycho – Haven’t seen.
25. The Usual Suspects – Not bad. I think the twist is unfair, though. There’s no real way to suspect who the bad guy is, which left me feeling like someone had just been yanking my chain the whole time. And it has one of the untalented Baldwin brothers in it, which isn’t a plus.
26. Silence of the Lambs – Haven’t seen.
27. Toy Story 3 – Very funny movie, although I think I liked the first two better.
28. Se7en – Haven’t seen.
29. It’s a Wonderful Life – Haven’t seen.
30. Memento – Kind of a challenge to keep up with, which I liked a lot.
31. Lord of the Rings: Two Towers – Atrociously awful. Three hours of filler, none of which impacted the overall story of the trilogy. No character development and nothing important happened. CGI for its own sake. Rancid.
32. Sunset Blvd. – A role where William Holden’s overacting actually fits the character. Fun and dark and full of implication about what Hollywood in the 1950s was probably like.
33. Forrest Gump – Meh. I liked it a lot the first time through. Upon further review, it seems utterly cynical in its message that, in order to get ahead in life the key thing to do is not try very hard and let things fall into your lap. Forrest should have let Lt. Dan die. OTOH, this is where I first heard the story of Nathaniel Bedford Forrest, which I encountered again in Tennessee last year.
34. The Professional – Haven’t seen.
35. Dr. Strangelove – I think I like this one a lot, although part of me thinks that I only like it because I feel like it’s a movie that I *should* like. ::shrug:: I enjoyed seeing George C. Scott do comedy and there are a number of lines from this movie that stick with me.
36. Apocalypse Now – Also in my personal Top 10. Awesome characters and does a brilliant thing in weaving an actual story into an absurd and wacky setting with so many messed-up characters. I felt like I learned a few things about human nature from this movie (e.g., “F—, man, this is better than Disneyland!”).
37. Citizen Kane – Lovely camera angles. Banal plot, but, you know, *lovely* camera angles.
38. North by Northwest – Seriously, all of Hitchcock’s movies run together. Yeah, I know, Mt. Rushmore and the plane in the corn fields. I liked it the first time I watched it.
39. American Beauty – Haven’t seen.
40. American History X – Didn’t feel like a complete movie to me, but I remember liking a lot about it. Felt like it pulled its punches toward the end maybe.
41. Taxi Driver – Haven’t seen.
42. Terminator 2: Judgment Day – Haven’t seen.
43. Saving Private Ryan – I have mixed emotions about it. I loved it the first time I saw it. The D-Day montage is jaw-dropping, but having since read enough about WWII to know better, seems a little disingenuous (in the sense that no one person would have seen a tenth of the extreme instances shown in these 15 minutes of the film). I also think that the ending is a little contrived and too conventional. A lot of the in-between sticks with me, though. Also importantly: the pinnacle of Vin Diesel’s career. Giovanni Ribisi’s too. Probably Nathan Fillian’s and Ted Danson’s also. Huh.
44. Vertigo – Hitchcock. See above.
45. Amélie – Haven’t seen.
46. Alien – Haven’t seen as such.
47. WALL-E – Liked it, especially the first half-hour. I thought it was amazing how much character, setting, and plot were conveyed during that time of no dialogue. Things got a little silly and slow once they got in the ship, though. IMHO.
48. Spirited Away – Haven’t seen.
49. The Shining – I like Stanley Kubrick and this movie is effective for me. The masks haunt even still.
50. Paths of Glory – Haven’t seen.
51. Lawrence of Arabia – Remember liking it when I watched it, but then again I watched it when I was in high school as part of a class and I may have just been happy to not be having to sit through a lecture. Do high school teachers give “lectures”? Whatever it is they do. At this point I mostly just remember the Turkish guy coughing.
52. Black Swan – Haven’t seen. IMDB users often overrate newer movies.
53. Double Indemnity – Haven’t seen.
54. The Pianist – Haven’t seen.
55. A Clockwork Orange – Really, really effective. I don’t know that I can say I “like” a movie like this, but — yeah. I like how effective it is; another one that haunts and sticks.
56. To Kill a Mockingbird – Saw in ninth grade, I think.
57. The Lives of Others – Liked a lot; kind of surprising it’s rated so highly, it being foreign and all. The ending felt like it was a little drawn out the first time I watched it, but I didn’t feel that way the second time. Tense and captivating.
58. City Lights – Haven’t seen.
59. M – Haven’t seen.
60. The Departed – Poster boy for everything I don’t like about Martin Scorcese. Scorsese. Whatever. Want more on why this movie sucks? Here’s a blog post I wrote in 2007 entitled “The Departed Wasn’t a Very Good Movie“.
61. Aliens – Haven’t seen.
62. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – I liked the concept and it seemed like the movie almost lived up to it (but not quite).
63. Requiem for a Dream – Haven’t seen.
64. Das Boot – This might be the first war movie that I really liked. I still really like it, I think. I imagine the inside of that submarine didn’t smell very good.
65. The Third Man – Haven’t seen.
66. Reservoir Dogs – Haven’t seen.
67. L.A. Confidential – Also probably in my Top 10. Loved it; better than Cats.
68. Chinatown – Felt tired and like something I’d seen a thousand times before. I’ve been told that this is only because Chinatown was the first-ever movie like this. Fine, but now it feels tired and like something I’ve seen a thousand times before. OTOH, includes some stunning footage of the LA River…
69. Modern Times – Tried to watch; failed due to lack of patience. I’m not a film student, no.
70. Treasure of the Sierra Madre – To quote myself: A painful experience. That crazy old guy alone would have been too much to take. Boring dialog and no reason for me to care about the characters.
71. Life Is Beautiful – Fortunately they were sent to the concentration camp because I couldn’t take any more of that self-indulgent Italian guy trying to act “funny”. Once they got to the camp, though, this movie rawked.
72. Back to the Future – I worry that if I watch this movie again I’ll end up hating it just like I now have to hate Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark. Right now my memories of it are still innocent and pleasant.
73. Monte Python and the Holy Grail – There were maybe ten years in my life when I thought Monte Python was funny. Those are in the past now.
74. The Prestige – Haven’t seen.
75. Pan’s Labyrinth – Meh? Spanish girl. Some guy gets his mouth slit open, but he was kind of a jerk, so maybe that was all right. Yeah, meh.
76. Raging Bull – Way better than The Departed. A little over-long maybe, but otherwise compelling.
77. Cinema Paradiso – Haven’t seen.
78. Singin’ in the Rain – Haven’t seen. Probably now too tainted by A Clockwork Orange to watch with an open mind.
79. Some Like It Hot – Haven’t seen.
80. The Bridge on the River Kwai – Top 10 list probably. William Holden is a little hard to stomach, but I love the contrasts between Americans, British, and Japanese. “I thought you were the enemy, sir.” “Well I’m an American if that’s what you mean.” Yeah.
81. Rashomon – Haven’t seen.
82. All About Eve – Haven’t seen.
83. Amadeus – It’s a very 80s movie, but I still probably like it.
84. Once Upon a Time in America – Haven’t seen.
85. The Green Mile – Felt like a movie that was trying to cash in on Shawshank Redemption‘s halo. It was all right I guess.
86. Full Metal Jacket – Two movies in one! I liked the first one a lot better than the second one. The second one just felt like a generic Vietnam War movie. Having a character named “Animal Mother” doesn’t make a movie interesting in itself. IMHO. R. Lee Ermey ftw though.
87. Bicycle Thieves – Haven’t seen.
88. 2001: A Space Odyssey – I mean, yeah. It’s slow and mostly plotless. Interesting-enough vision of the future, but, you know, none of that vision has come true. Maybe HAL still will. I’ll give it some more time. Not my favorite Kubrick movie; I liked Barry Lyndon better, frex.
89. The Great Dictator – Tried to watch recently; failed. Chaplin is just too twee for me. I mean, it’s 2011, of course he is.
90. Inglorious Basterds – Haven’t seen.
91. Braveheart – I really loved this movie back in the day. I think I started liking it somewhat less when I found out that by “freedom” in the end, they meant that the Scots won the war. I liked it better when I used to think that they all died in the end and were in that sense “free”. Regardless, a lot of very nice violence.
92. The Apartment – Haven’t seen.
93. Downfall – I wanted this to be better than it was. I didn’t hate it, just didn’t think it was special. Came across as a little dry maybe. Could be I know too much history to find sufficient novelty in the story or characterizations, but whatever. I mean, it had occurred to me before watching this movie that Hitler was, in fact, also a human.
94. Up – It was okay. A little bit more of a downer than I wanted it to be. Also didn’t really like its message that taking out the garbage every Thursday *is* an adventure. It’s not, I swear.
95. Gran Torino – Haven’t seen. Mean to.
96. Metropolis – Heh. I mean, you know. It’s hard to watch this as a 2011er. You have to watch it with context, which, I dunno, seems a bit much. Frex, you can watch and enjoy Mozart’s Don Giovanni and not have to keep telling yourself that, you know, this is *really novel* for 1787! Metropolis, by contrast, comes across like simplistic, socialist (or fascist?) political scree. There’s little emotion in it and the plot and characters serve only the message. Maybe it was novel for its time, but, again: not a film student, don’t have to care.
97. Gladiator – Loved it when it first came out. Like it less now. I still love, though, the recurring theme of the guy dragging his hand through the wheat, which doesn’t have a lot of meaning early on in the movie, but by the end is very, very powerful. The Danish woman who played, well, the woman, had kind of a crappy accent and wooden delivery. Joaquin Phoenix was fun to watch. Ridley Scott spent a lot of time in his commentary talking about how much money he saved by reusing sets.
98. The Sting – Haven’t seen.
99. Unforgiven – Greatest movie of all time. All the movies Eastwood directs have great scenes in them. This is the one where the scenes all work together. Has some fantastic, memorable lines in it. The scene where they shoot the first cowboy is the most uncomfortable assassination ever. “Take away all he’s got, and all he’s ever gonna have.” It’s an unusual movie that can pay homage while debunking mythology.
100. The Maltese Falcon – No. Just no.

~ Fin ~

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The Road, then:

• I liked the book a lot better. I don’t think the movie did anything wrong per se, but it didn’t really do anything right, either. Just came off as dim and lifeless.
• Liked when Viggo Mortensen lost control of his accent, especially on the word “food”, where he sounded like an owl. Hi-larious. To me.
• The movie plays like a revue of post-apocalyptic fiction cliches — cannibalism, scrounging for ammo, pushing grocery carts, bloody-thirsty gangs, people kept in pens for food, etc.
• You’d think that a kid who was born at the onset of the apocalypse would be used to it by the time he was 11 (or whatever). This kid was freaked out by everything. Defied credibility.
• Plus his dad babied him too much.
• And there was no credible sense in which the kid’s degree of worrying about everything was equal to his dad’s.
• Why can’t a movie show characters eating without showing them eating with their mouths open?
• If it’s after the apocalypse and roving gangs driving around in trucks are a major threat, wouldn’t you probably STAY OFF THE ROAD?
• It doesn’t seem like ammo should be harder to find than food.
• And what kind of apocalypse is it where humans survive but cockroaches don’t?
• And given that there’s still plenty of water on the planet, how is it that nothing can grow?
• Also liked seeing Guy Pearce dressed up like Eddie Vedder at the end.

Etc. A lot of those problems derive from the source material — but they’re a lot easier to ignore in book-form in that the book doesn’t really call that much attention to them. When they’re shown in moving pictures, though, it’s hard to not notice.

I like post-apocalyptic and bleak in itself isn’t a turnoff, but yeah: no.

Final score: 5/10.

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Biggest Question: Did the dude really think that he’d just fly up to the alien’s ship, get his hand fixed, then fly back home where everything would just be back to normal?

Too Long By: 30 minutes. The last 30 to be more precise. So conventional and disappointing after the killer set-up.

Haiku Synopsis:

Alien slum raid

Helps man learn that aliens

Love their children too.

Critique of the Haiku

The haiku kind of ignores the couple thousand sentient beings that died.

Final Score

6.5/10 — At least it had that first hour.

Also

There will probably be a sequel and it will be *awful*.

Picture So the Homepage Works Out

Biggest Question: Which laws of nature actually applied to this movie? (It was hard to think any of the main characters were ever going to be in jeopardy when it was revealed two-thirds of the way through the movie that dogs could fly planes. Also sort of cheapened all the emotional parts — I mean, Karl was certainly not operating in the *real* world, so how valid was anything he experienced?)

Too Long By: 15 minutes (the movie needed to get out of town and into the Amazon sooner).

Haiku Synopsis:

A widowed old man

Gets over losing his wife

By doing nothing.

Grade: 6/10. I mean, the moral is that doing nothing productive *is* adventurous, so go ahead and enjoy sitting on the curb for the rest of your life. Ugh. I blame organized Buddhism.

(Just so the homepage has an image to pull:)

]]> http://www.bkdunn.com/blog/2010/01/movie-review-up/feed/ 0 http://www.bkdunn.com/blog/2009/03/movie-review-prince-caspian/ http://www.bkdunn.com/blog/2009/03/movie-review-prince-caspian/#comments Mon, 30 Mar 2009 05:01:18 +0000 bkdunn http://www.bkdunn.com/blog/?p=368 Best Part: When the Lion-Christ jumped forty feet across a ravine in order to break the dude’s neck, then awakened His tree army to go out and kill millions of soldiers who, like all soldiers, weren’t fighting for “the cause”, but rather for the guy next to them.

Biggest Question: When the pink minotaur was holding up the portcullis, how come no one bothered to help him lift it up so that the other half of the woodland army could escape the castle without getting killed?

Too Long By: 55 minutes.

Haiku Synopsis:

Brave little Brit kids

Love animals more than men,

So slaughter legions.

And Another Thing: There were a lot of people who died from chest bruises. And one day there’s going to be a fantasy world army that thinks to bring enough giant eagles to actually win the fight.

Grade: 5/10.

And thus ends this spate of movie reviews. Hopefully.

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Best Part: The first 45 minutes. Some pleasant, well-orchestrated tension and violence.

Biggest Question: How did anyone accomplish any of the things they did? Why were all the key moments in the movie hidden in the scene breaks? What, actually, was the main conflict? (Admittedly, yes, that’s three questions.)

Too Long By: 75 minutes. If it had ended at the 1:20 mark, I probably would’ve liked it. No such luck.

Additional Gripe: There were no rules in this movie-world, which means that anything could happen — and when anything can happen, nothing matters.

Haiku Synopsis:

Joker’s a winner

 Over and over again:

Moral quandaries ho!

Final Score: 4/10, including a full point docked for making me sit through Heath Ledger licking his lips for at least 60 minutes of the run-time — between that, the Batman-voice, and the non-stop soliloquies, I got no-joke nauseous.

Biggest Question: I found the characters’ plot-creating decision-making process questionable:

• Hurry, we have to get out of here before they catch us!
• Okay, but I still have some leaflets in the suitcase.
• Oh — in that case, we should distribute them before leaving.
• Good idea!

Too Long By: 10 min. — the leaflet distribution scene was a little long (you know they’re going to get caught) and the scene with the dude from Salzburg (Innsbrück?) getting questioned at trial seemed gratuitous.

Haiku Synopsis (in German to avoid spoiling the ending!):

Mädchen und Bruder

Als Verräter verhaftet,

Danach enthauptet.

Additional Complaint Before Stating That I Liked It: Sophie’s character is too perfect, which makes her seem less human, which makes it seem like she isn’t sacrificing so much when she gets, uh, enthauptet.

Final Score: 7/10.

Biggest Question: Was the source material as facile as this?

Most Horrifying Truth: There were a lot of similarities between Captain Queeg and several people I’ve seen try to navigate leadership situations.

Too Long By: 90 minutes — or else too short by six hours.

Haiku Synopsis:

Through a mutiny

A young ensign learns to love:

Beautiful girlfriend!

Grade: 3/10.

Biggest Question: How did they manage to hang out together for a month (longer?) without either of them ever learning a word of the other’s language?

Too Long By: 20 minutes.

Haiku Synopsis:

On island marooned,

Old enemies become friends

And then they blow up.

Grade: 7/10 (loses a full point for the ending).

bkd

Saw these two movies last week.

I have this theory as to why critics always like movies like “Juno”. It’s this: movie critics are nerds. Nerds like to watch movies about other misfits. Even if the main character is too smart to be interesting (let alone believable), the plot is facile, and the jokes are slow in coming, they like seeing “themselves” (but much better looking) on screen. It’s misguided: just because we don’t see a lot of *this type* of character in movies that doesn’t mean that a movie that shows *this type* of character is good just because it features *this type* of character.

Ugh. I didn’t actually hate it as much as all that, just that I’d give it two stars and yet somehow it got nominated for Best Picture. Travesty. It’s the nerds’ fault. The same people who (used to) love all those Wes Anderson movies. The ending was arbitrary, the tension non-existant (you knew she was going to give birth, that’s not tension), the characters unbelievable and flat (but an *unusual* kind of flat), and the soundtrack was so very, very precious. Heck, the whole movie was precious. Ugh.

Maybe I *did* hate it as much as all that.

I liked “Sweeney Todd” a whole lot better. I’d seen the recent (2006) Broadway revival with Michael Cerveris and Patty LuPone and came to the (borrowed) conclusion that it was The Only Musical That Ever Needed to Have Been Made. The movie wasn’t as good as the stage show (how could it be?), but it used the medium well to make itself its own thing, IMHO.

There were only two missteps for me: (1) the weird hair and (2) Helena Bonham Carter. I guess both of those are completely the fault of Tim Burton, who (a) wants every movie to look like Halloween and (b) didn’t want to tell his wife she’s not a very good singer. Every time I knew one of Mrs. Lovett’s songs about to start I felt myself cringing. Her voice was so wispy — she sang like a ghost. Maybe that completed the Halloween motif for her husband, but couldn’t they have fixed her voice in post-production somehow? It was especially awkward when she was singing alongside any of the other actors, all of whom had bigger, better voices than hers. Even the kid. Ach, ja.

And I didn’t quite get the makeup and grooming that seemed intended to make Anthony look like a hermaphrodite. But he sang well and ultimately — heck, why not a hermaphrodite?

Other than that, it was good, angry, vicious fun. I’d read a review or two complaining that the movie was so *dark* that it took all of the humor out of the musical. Those reviewers were wrong (and, more importantly, I Am Right). I’ve never laughed more at seeing someone get their throat slit than I did watching this movie. No joke. The gore was over-the-top laughable. All of the spots that were supposed to be funny were, in fact, funny. There were also parts that were, for me, better on screen than on the stage (“Have a Little Priest” and “Down By the Sea” fared better on the big screen — and were funnier — than in the stripped-down recent Broadway production).

And I still don’t think “The Departed” was the best movie of 2006.

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I got a real soft spot in my heart for stories about reasonably successful guys who struggle to defeat the powers of crappiness. I enjoyed seeing video game nerds act as clannish and unpleasant as (or moreso than) anyone — makes sense. But mostly I liked the way that this guy who, as far as actual fact goes, has a pretty decent life gets portrayed as an underdog against a bunch of people who seem like they’re struggling to find any sort of relevance in the real world. Seriously. That rawked. It’s like when the US beats Mexico at soccer: our country doesn’t even care about this sport and yet we’re still better than you at it. And the bad guy is as perfect a bad guy as you can imagine.

Of course, the entire story could be a lie. May well have just been edited to make it seem like the West Coast Rocky was defeating the Amassed Forces of Satan. But whatever — struck a chord with me. So did all the unsubtle reminders from the Protag’s kids that this doesn’t really matter and that he’s kind of being an idiot for caring about setting a Donkey Kong record.

Wasn’t the most ambitious movie of all time and it was probably 15 minutes too long, but I liked it way better than any Martin Scorcese movie. Scorsese. Whatever.

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3. Casablanca — Some great one-liners, but the plot’s unclear. Is Rick the main character? What’s he trying to achieve? Should I be happy at how it ends? Or, like, care? I probably would have liked it better if I hadn’t been told it was the third greatest movie ever — but it still wouldn’t have been a favorite.

11. The Searchers — Eleventh best movie of all time? Ouch for humanity. Lumpy plot with a poor sense of direction and, as far as I can tell, John Wayne made money for being an icon, not for his acting. Am I wrong?

27. High Noon — It’s now one of my favorites, a really tight, effective movie. Even though its message was intended to be allegorical for the McCarthy-era witch hunts, I found it considerably more universal than that.

38. Treasure of the Sierra Madre — A painful experience. That crazy old guy alone would have been too much to take. Boring dialog and no reason for me to care about the characters.

45. Shane — Other than Jack Palance’s bemused looks and a neat ending, I didn’t see much I liked. Corny, wooden, over-acted, strangely edited, woodenly staged. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a movie with so many awkward silences. Why did the Southerner have an Irish accent? Plus Alan Ladd is way, way too pretty to be believed in this role. And the fake beards were *terrible*.

(IMHO.)

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1. Unforgiven

2. Apocalypse Now

3. O Brother Where Art Thou?

4. Black Hawk Down

5. The Incredibles

6. Shawshank Redemption

7. United 93

8. L.A. Confidential

9. Bridge on the River Kwai

10. High Noon

11. Das Leben der Anderen (Lives of Others)

I guess my #1 criterion for movies is “re-watchability” — and writing quality, idiosyncratic a judgment as it is, also plays a huge role. Non-factors: cultural impact (I think) and whether I liked it when I was seven.

Saw Gone Baby Gone on Monday — weirdly structured and a lot of monologues, but also pretty gripping with some signs of brilliance. It did feel like it was a little torn between being a mass-appeal thriller and being Oscar bait. Darjeeling Limited last week fared less well by me, although as I didn’t ever catch the vision with Rushmore either, I’m not sure Wes Anderson’s ever going to have a chance. Probably going to  see Control tonight (about Joy Division’s Ian Curtis), which got very good reviews — and I figure that even if the movie’s slow, at least I’ll like parts of the soundtrack.

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1. I came away from the movie not being sure whether it had been good or bad, because it was so hard to see anything that had happened. I have a sense that some of those fight scenes were fantastic — it’s just a shame I don’t know what actually went down during them. I honestly had to look away from the screen on many occasions just so my eyes could focus on *something*. It was tough to watch.

2. I don’t get why I’m supposed to think that Matt Damon’s wellbeing is more important than the national security of the United States. Why are he and his character’s aims more trustworthy and noble than those of the Central Intelligence Agency? In real life, I know enough about the CIA to think pretty highly of them. In the world of the movie, I don’t think I ever knew enough about Jason Bourne to understand that he was necessarily a good person, or enough about the fictionalized CIA to think they were any worse than Jason Bourne. I mean, they were both willing to kill people in order to get what they wanted, right? And what the CIA wanted was, well, national security. What Jason Bourne wanted was, well — um, personal fulfillment?

Which aim is nobler? If I were part of that world, which would be of more benefit to me?

I also don’t get why the assembled movie critics of the world get so afraid of their readership that they’re afraid to make negative comments regarding beloved franchises. The way they kowtowed to LOTR fans by the time of the third installment, for instance, was horrifying. Ditto Harry Potter. I mean, sure, I don’t have to put up with their email in-boxes, but… This movie was interesting for 30 minutes, seasickness-inducing for 90, and premise-wise questionable the whole way. I don’t think that makes for a recommendable show.

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They also seem to be ridiculously enthralled with Anything Old.

1. Citizen Kane – How does a movie get named the best movie of all time based exclusively on its camera angles? Ugh. I found it unengaging and sleep-inducing. Which I guess could be a good thing, depending on your need for sleep. Oddly, whoever wrote this piece for E! online seems to sort of agree. But they put it more nicely than I did — “doesn’t hold up to repeat viewings” and “not always engaging”.

2. The Godfather – Liked it mostly.

3. Casablanca – Never saw.

4. Raging Bull – Never saw. Don’t like Scorsese. Can only imagine.

5. Singin’ in the Rain – Never saw, but won’t be able to without thinking about A Clockwork Orange.

6. Gone with the Wind – Never saw.

7. Lawrence of Arabia – Liked it mostly, but haven’t seen it since high school.

8. Schindler’s List – Overrated. A documentary about the same subject matter would have been far more effective. There was no plot and real life footage is more gripping, more harrowing, and more telling. There was no reason to make this movie other than exploitation. Um — IMHO.

9. Vertigo – Never saw.

10. The Wizard of Oz – Ugh. To be fair, it’s hard to take this movie seriously in modern times due to its pervasiveness in our culture. And I’m not exactly its target audience. Good concept. Friendly characters. An easy read.

11. City Lights – Never saw.

12. The Searchers – Never saw

13. Star Wars – Ugh II. I guess AFI cares about “cultural impact” more than quality of movie and fine enough for them. But this movie is unwatchable to me as an adult with its stilted dialogue and razor-thin characterizations. OTOH, it helped spawn LEGO Star Wars II, so I guess all in all I’m okay with it.

14. Psycho – Never saw.

15. 2001: A Space Odyssey – As a vision of the future it’s interesting. As a movie? No story aside from the 15 minutes spent with HAL trying to kill Dave, which makes the pacing of the thing downright glacial. But, you know, nice visuals.

16. Sunset Boulevard – Liked it. Didn’t even mind William Holden. His wooden, overly dramatic delivery works for this role. And this role only.

17. The Graduate – Never saw.

18. The General* – Never saw.

19. On the Waterfront – Unengaging and doesn’t hold up to repeat viewings. And I don’t think the camera angles are all that great either. Slow. Dull. One “classic” line in the film, which I guess is what earns it its praise. Or…? You tell me.

20. It’s a Wonderful Life – Never saw.

21. Chinatown – Just like On the Waterfront. Was never sure what part of the movie I was supposed to like, although it’s possible that its effect was muted by 30+ years of copy-cat TV shows or something.

22. Some Like It Hot – Never saw.

23. The Grapes of Wrath – Never saw.

24. E.T. – Haven’t seen since I was a kid. I think I liked it back then.

25. To Kill a Mockingbird – Saw in ninth grade after reading the book. Liked the book, don’t remember the movie.

26. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington – Never saw.

27. High Noon – Never saw.

28. All About Eve – Never saw.

29. Double Indemnity – Never saw.

30. Apocalypse Now – Great movie. In my own Top 5. Not the Redux version though. Original only. Funny, tense, and thematically deep. Not entirely unlike Captain EO.

31. The Maltese Falcon – Never saw.

32. The Godfather Part II – Never saw.

33. One Flew Over the Cuckoo Nest – Don’t get the appeal. Found it dull, slow, unengaging. Probably another one that hasn’t benefited from getting ripped off a hundred times since it came out, but still, I don’t see where the excitement comes in. I guess I just didn’t care whether dude lived or died.

34. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs – Never saw, I don’t think. Wait — maybe.

35. Annie Hall – Never saw.

36. The Bridge on the River Kwai – In my Top 10, in spite of William Holden’s acting. It’s like he’s afraid that viewers will think they’re watching, like, a Real Person and stop noticing that it’s Him, William Holden. Oh well. IMHO, a movie that has everything. Love movies that can pull off funny, intense, and serious. Favorite line: “I thought you were the enemy, sir!” “I’m an American, if that’s what you mean.”

37. The Best Years of Our Lives – Never saw.

38. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre – Never saw, but — another Old movie and if we’re going to select Old movies that are sort of westerns, how is A Long Time Ago in the West not on here? (Not old enough, that’s how.)

39. Dr. Strangelove – Probably my favorite Kubrik movie, although you have to be in the right mood.

40. The Sound of Music – Haven’t seen since I was a kid. Will therefore recuse myself.

41. King Kong – The Peter Jackson version? Haven’t seen either of them.

42. Bonnie and Clyde – Never saw.

43. Midnight Cowboy – Never saw, but raters like me on Netflix only give it 2.8 stars and generally raters like me on Netflix are reasonably close.

44. The Philadelphia Story – Never saw.

45. Shane – Sigh. Never saw.

46. It Happened One Night – Never saw. What year, like 1934? Bogart in *this* one, too? (Yikes: I was right on with ’34, but it’s Clark Gable rather than Bogart. As if they were different people.)

47. A Streetcar Named Desire – Never saw.

48. Rear Window – Doesn’t hold up to repeat viewings. But at least it was fun the first time around. Still, if I’m creating this list, the “repeat viewings” thing is the A-#1 criterion. Also, if I’m creating this list, I probably stop after about eight movies.

49. Intolerance – Never saw.

50. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring – If they had to put a LotR movie in here, at least they chose the right one. I really liked it when I saw it and would probably still have a lot of positive associations with it if not for the unedited, ham-dialogued, crazy-padded, self-indulgent crapfests that followed it. There was actual tension in this one. And character development. And only one poop joke. And fewer than eight endings.

51. West Side Story – Never saw.

52. Taxi Driver – Never saw.

53. The Deer Hunter – Never saw, but I think I’ve read enough negative reviews to think that the “brilliance” of this one comes from the fact that it talked about Vietnam in a “hard-hitting”, “unflinching” manner (read: negatively). Which is well and good, but doesn’t make it a great movie. Of course, I should probably watch it before deriding it, but what’s the point of that now?

54. M*A*S*H – Never saw.

55. North by Northwest – See #48. And then apply that to every Alfred Hitchcock movie except The Birds, which wasn’t worth watching the first time either.

56. Jaws – Never saw.

57. Rocky – Haven’t seen since I was a kid.

58. The Gold Rush – Saw when I was in college and was really surprised that I liked it. Of course, I was stupid back then, but you never know. It might still be brilliant.

59. Nashville – Never saw.

60. Duck Soup – I’m guessing ’48 and Cary Grant. (Heh: ’33 and Marx Brothers — oh well.)

61. Sullivan’s Travels* – ’36 and Bogart? (’42 and Joe McRea? Who the heck…?)

62. American Graffiti – Never saw.

63. Cabaret* – Never saw.

64. Network – You gotta be kidding me. This movie never knew what it wanted to be. Pick a zebra indeed. If it’s a comedy, it needs to stop trying to be serious. If it’s a drama, it needs to have some dramatic integrity. A mess. A crapfest of Jacksonian proportions. Smaller budget, though. Really over-the-top, but not in a good way. Bad.

65. The African Queen – Never saw, but Bogart, pretty sure.

66. Raiders of the Lost Ark – One of those “cultural impact” movies on the list. Was great when I was a kid. As an adult? Unwatchable. Unengaging. Sleep-inducing. Trivial.

67. Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? – Never saw.

68. Unforgiven – Top Five, easy. Deep, engaging, contrary, textured, and brilliantly light-handed. Really fun performances, really tight script. Neat.

69. Tootsie – Saw when I was a kid, but I can’t imagine that it’s truly one of the 100 best movies *ever*… Although maybe I’m confusing it with 9 to 5. As if they were different movies.

70. A Clockwork Orange – Anyone who read my cat-killing story and didn’t appreciate it — well, probably wouldn’t appreciate this movie either I guess. It’s not like I *enjoyed* Clockwork Orange, but man, it’s fantastically effective. A wonder. A wonder that I maybe won’t ever voluntarily watch again, but still.

71. Saving Private Ryan – Doesn’t hold up to repeat viewings. Still, I liked it the first time and, really, the opening Operation Overlord scene remains pretty engaging. Although, yes, it does manage to depict every D-Day cliche in the books. And it’s hard to see how anyone ever thought the cowboy ending was a good idea. Oh well.

72. The Shawshank Redemption – Also in my Top 5. Holds up to repeat viewings — surprisingly, given it’s “surprise twist” toward the end (at least, I was surprised the first time I saw it). IMHO, a great example of a “hard-won, happy ending”.

73. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid – Never saw.

74. The Silence of the Lambs – Never saw.

75. In the Heat of the Night – Never saw.

76. Forrest Gump – Ugh. Doesn’t hold up to repeat viewings. Liked it the first time, though, admittedly. But ultimately the message of “success in life has more to do with luck than any amount of talent or good decision-making” seems pretty cynical, doesn’t it?

77. All the President’s Men* – Never saw.

78. Modern Times – Never saw. Chaplin? ’30? (Wow, Chaplin indeed, but ’36.)

79. The Wild Bunch – Never saw.

80. The Apartment – Never saw.

81. Spartacus – Never saw.

82. Sunrise – Never saw.

83. Titanic – Uh… Cultural impact? Did this have a cultural impact? Otherwise, I’m gonna assume AFI are just a bunch of, what, Leo DiCaprio fans? Celine Dion fans? Idiots?

84. Easy Rider – Never saw. Average of raters like [me]: 2.7 stars.

85. A Night at the Opera – Marx brothers? (Yes, ’35.)
86. Platoon – Idiots. They’re idiots. Predictable plot. Little story. Unengaging. Over-hyped, overrated, under-good.

87. 12 Angry Men – Liked it, although it ends up feeling like a “small” movie. Or one that you use for corporate training or something.

88. Bringing Up Baby – Never saw. Cary Grant, ’49? (Yes, Grant, no, ’38).

89. The Sixth Sense – Didn’t hold up to the initial viewing, either. Cultural impact, I *guess*, but I figured out the game within 15 minutes of the opening frame, which rendered the rest of the movie toothless and uninteresting. My bad.

90. Swing Time – Never saw.

91. Sophie’s Choice – Never saw.

92. Goodfellas – Never saw, but it’s Scorsese, so I’d hate it.

93. The French Connection – Never saw.

94. Pulp Fiction – Was surprised by how much I liked it and that it didn’t seem like just another overhyped, under-interesting treatise on directorial self-indulgence. Seriously.

95. The Last Picture Show – Never saw. No idea who or when (’71 and Timothy Bottoms? Didn’t see that coming).

96. Do the Right Thing – Never saw.

97. Blade Runner – Liked it, original > director’s cut. Still don’t get how Harrison Ford was himself a robot, though.

98. Yankee Doodle Dandy – Never saw.

99. Toy Story – Er… Liked it, but II was better than I and if we’re just looking to give Pixar a nod, The Incredibles was a fantastic movie from every angle, whereas Toy Story’s mostly just a kids’ movie. Oh, right, cultural impact…

100. Ben-Hur – Old but watchable.

That’s all.

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It was hard to care about any of the characters in the movie. I’ve read too many first-hand accounts of US Marines lately to be able to watch that show and not come away hating Imperialist Japan. That the thanatophilic emperor managed to avoid getting hung from his skin by his own subjects after the war is incredible (I blame MacArthur). The movie, taken from a high-level viewpoint, was like Schindler’s List in reverse (though similar in its lack of plot). The guy has an opportunity to save thousands of lives by working against the despotic empire that employs him, but unlike Schindler, this one goes ahead and authorizes the bloody deluge. I mean, not that, as a general, one would expect differently from him. Just that, if he *had* done something different, that might be something to make a movie about.

Though, as mentioned, it’s not like Schindler’s List had a plot either. So maybe it didn’t matter what the general did. At least Schindler seemed novel, though.

The movie also felt mechanical to me the way it tried to cover all bases: some Japanese have drunk the Kool-Aid, others haven’t; some Americans are just nice kids, others shoot prisoners. It should’ve gotten down to business and told a story. Or, lacking a story, shouldn’t have been bothered with.

Can’t believe I’m saying that about a Clint Eastwood movie. Cultural bigot — that’s why.

Fortunately, this movie makes me feel a little more confident in the novel I’m “writing”. At least I’m thinking that there needs to be a story in there. And I’m going to avoid the head-hopping syndrome that seems to creep into war stories (Thin Red Line comes to mind).

Unfortunately, the movie also reinforced the difficulty of telling a war story: battles don’t generally have A Problem, Complications, then a Resolution. They don’t climax — they go hot, then cold for a while, and the closer things get to the end, the more obvious the conclusion gets. Tricky.

But FWIW, I think Guadalcanal has a real story to it. And maybe I can find my exact Japanese counterpart to write that battle from the other side, then we can say we’ve completed a duology of brilliantly written books that explore the depths of the human condition through the crucible of war and that’ll never see the light of day. Because they’re too well written.

Obviously.

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(PS, United 93 is still the best movie from 2006 that I’ve seen — and still by a wide margin.)

If only life were as anxious to make good for past mistakes as is the Motion Picture Academy. I’m sure Martin Scorcese’s a fine person, but there were seriously much better movies available to choose from this year.

The Departed, if you haven’t seen it, is mostly just an excuse to show off Boston accents and stage a bunch of fist fights. Or, to be scientific about it, here are all the major problems with the movie:

1. Aimless Plotting. The movie never seems like it sure about where it’s going and wanders aimlessly. The ending (careful, spoiler) feels arbitrary and unearned. It was like, Leo was going to win, but when they get to the ground floor, there’s suddenly this other guy who I’d assumed was just an extra for the entire film who, instead, causes the story to do a 180 just a few minutes before the finish line. Ugh.

2. Stagnant Characters. The characters do not change in this movie. No one learns anything. No one transcends themselves. Everyone is the exact same person at the end of the movie as they were at the beginning. There were times when Leo almost got interesting, struggling to keep his head above water as a “good person” leading a “bad life” for the “right reasons”. But rather than plumb those depths, each time Leo seemed to be struggling, he somehow got together with Matt’s girlfriend (um, contrived?) and after that everything seemed a-okay. I suppose maybe the oxycontin helped, but oxycontin as a plot device? Ugh.

3. Dumb Casting. Mark Wahlberg is an A-list actor. Mark Wahlberg’s character gets dismissed from the movie with a half hour left in it. Guess who, then, comes back to finish the movie off? Right.

4. Conspicuous Words. I don’t know why anyone, in 2007, still thinks that the f-word carries any weight. Certainly Scorcese must, since he had his characters use it probably 100 times during the course of the film. Listen, *any* word (articles and prepositions aside) that gets used more than a few times over the course of a movie starts becoming conspicuous. If you use the f-word as many times as it gets used in this one, all you’re really saying is that the writers aren’t very good at coming up with ways to express characters’ personalities through dialogue. Try again. Oh wait, too late.

5. Plot Holes. Aside from the story being muddy and often aimless, the story relies on plot holes to get through to its end. Matt Damon can, on his own authority, just erase Leo? I mean, that would work if this were MI:4 or something, but this is a pretentious Oscar-bait movie. Please.

6. Torpid Pacing. When you cram a 90-minute movie into a 150-minute running time, the pacing is going to be off. Nothing significant happens in this movie — at least, nothing significant enough to warrant 2.5 hours. The story refuses to build on itself and instead just hops from event to event without, well, direction.

7. No Stakes, No Sympathy. There’s no reason to care about any of the characters in this movie. They’re mostly unsympathetic (although I felt for Leo by the middle of the show), especially Matt Damon, who was about as boring a villain as I can easily recollect. The story, for the most part, just doesn’t matter.

Beyond the above, IMHO a “best picture” should also be a necessary movie. There was nothing necessary about this one. The plot was purely external and certainly didn’t do anything that hadn’t been done before. The movie’s only intent was entertainment — violent, bloody, senseless entertainment.

Flags of Our Fathers had a couple issues, but was significantly better than this (and altogether more necessary). United 93 was essentially flawless, entirely unblinking, and fascinatingly innovative in its approach. It hurts a little that it lost out to a movie that garnered its awards based on the Academy feeling that it was Scorcese’s turn.

Not that it matters.

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