Deeper Into Another Cult: Happiness Is a Warm Springfield ’03 Bolt-Action Rifle

Pluses:

• Is actually from World War II. Vintage. Awakens ghosts.
• Has a bolt action! Spent shells sound cool as they fly onto the ground.
• Grants me libertarian Second Amendment cred.
• Endears me to rednecks.
• Is very loud.
• Teaches you what a “magazine cut-off switch” does.
• Holds up to five rounds.
• Cool Springfield Armory logo and date (1-42) stamped on barrel.
• Finally something onto which I can latch all my trigger locks!

Minuses:

• Expensive ammo — $15+ per 20-round box!
• Shoots high.
• Bruises shoulder.